I Believe in You.

I wrote this quite sometime ago, but could not pass up sharing. I Believe in You – Kimberly 

I wonder what it would be like to live a life free of pain and suffering. Free from addiction and self destruction. A life lived only of self worth. Self gratitude. None of this self sabotage. This constant battle of identities. I wonder how it would feel to live in complete freedom. This is my journey along the path to a free, prosperous, healthy, conscious being. I would like to share my story with you. The little girl who was neglected and heart broken wants her voice to be heard.

I believe in you. Those four words can change someones life. They give hope, they spread love, they remind us that we are worth it. Whatever your “it” is, you are worthy of it. You have the ability to create it, to practice it, to master it, to give it all you fucking got. Why? Because I believe in you.

I once asked a dear friend, how deep is the rabbit hole? I have come to realize that answer lies within. What do you consider to be the bottom? My bottom was a dark, lonely, scared and addicted place, yet with a conscious mind the whole time reminding me to keep fighting, that I was stronger than that. I have since learned, that terrified, traumatized soul, is my little girl. That little girl who suffered, who cried for attention and love, and never got it. That little girl who used to stomp on the floor upstairs so hard begging for someone to pay attention to her. No one noticed. No one cared. That little girl moved on to become a delinquent first and than a rock star adult that sits before you today, still fighting. Why have I not given up, why have I chosen to keep battling my demons and not give in? I believe in you.

It was easy before. I would just get fucked up. I would sink into my addict identity and self sabotage because I believed nobody cared. No one cared about that little girl, who cried for attention. So, why would I care and give myself the deserved attention as an adult. The binge drinking, the drug use, the sex, crying victim.. all a cover up. I had no self worth.
Now that I am practicing and understanding the power within self love and self discovery I am more terrified than before. I waste my time worrying about what to do with my time. Urgh. Should I write? What do I write about? Should I go for a walk? Where would I go? Should I watch a movie. What movie and why? Meanwhile, the entire time all I really want to do is have a drink and fat line of coc followed by a glorious cigarette to only end in the question… what was the point of that? Fortunately, that desire stems from the ego. That demon that feeds off of your self doubt. The demon that craves failure. That little broken sad girl who tricks you into feeling sorry for her.What the fuck is wrong with us. We are so programmed to resist self worth, we don’t even know what to do with it once we have it.

I remember back in the ol’ school day getting so high on cocaine, I would take the outer coating off of an Oxycontin, crush it and snort it. I would proceed to throw up violently as if I would turn inside out. I would wipe the tears from my eyes and carry on. Only to do it time and time again. Understand this fully, it is a perfect example of how we as addicts cope with pain and suffering. I took oxys to come down from the high of cocaine that I took most likely because I was drunk and I was drunk because I had no self worth. I had no self worth because my little girl never felt she was worth it. That can become some deep shit once dissected. I believe in you.

There is no greater gift in life, than life. The power and freedom lies within us all and yet we choose to resist it. We choose to allow ourselves to accept defeat, as if it is our destiny to live in a trapped miserable world only dreaming instead of believing. I believe in you.

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