What Pulls Your Trigger?

My list of triggers is longer than the piece of paper I wrote them on. I’d imagine there are even triggers I have yet to uncover. I want to talk about this because as I progress on this sobriety wagon I have encountered moments where not only did I want to fall off this wagon, but actually deconstruct it so I never have to ride the fucking thing again. I have filled my wagon with so many excuses I am surprised to see it still sitting at my front door the next morning. Luckily, this wagon is my higher being and the excuses belong to my ego. Therefore, in the end, the wagon always wins. All red and shiny, just waiting for me to hop back in. That wagon never gives up. Anyway, enough about the fucking wagon. Lets talk more about triggers..

The industry. Anyone who has worked in the restaurant industry knows that even the daily routine of going to work can pull a mighty big trigger. A simple beer after work with the crew can turn into a 4 day bender. And when industry peeps go on benders, let me remind you, we still go to work. I will admit, I have worked through services without any recollection of being there. Do we pull it off? Without a hitch. Well, not every time, but an alarming amount of the time. Day in and day out serving guests with all sorts of attitudes, asshole remarks, bad manners, dietary requirements that don’t even exist, demands and name dropping thinking their better than us.. all fucking triggers.

Sex. Now there’s a trigger. Sober sex is foreign to me. Most of my relationships have been fueled by lust and lavished in substance. Fun, yes. Sustainable, no. I have yet to embark on this new discovery. I’d imagine it to be something special. Like true love. Sex driven by alcohol gives you the confidence, the self assurance and the passion to feel wanted. However, this is all a misconception. To be truly confident, sexy and desirable while sober sounds like a fairy tale. Like some Disney shit with a happy ending.

Thirst. Yes, just the feeling of being thirsty is a trigger for me. Nothing says refreshing than a cold crisp lager. Just one, I swear.

Weather. Yes, the sunshine pulls my trigger. If anyone were to disagree with this I would question their sanity. Going to a BBQ without a case of beers and a bottle of rose. Unheard of. I admire those who gather for the purpose of socializing and do it drinking soda water. Again, quite foreign to me. Although, that brings up another trigger. Socializing. I have associated socializing with the consumption of alcohol since before I was legally allowed to drink. I am certain there have been attempts over the years to gather with friends and have fun without drinking, but something tells me those were the nights I’d cave within an hour and end up being the drunkest one at the party. Back in that bright shiny wagon, once again.

Netflix. Crazy right? Well, here me out. I am at home curled up watching a movie and suddenly one of the charterers has a drink. I am suddenly thinking, well if they can have a drink, then I must be able to have a drink. Fucking Hollywood.

Pandemic. I had to say it. This entire world has wanted to pull the trigger at least once in the passed few weeks. I know, I have. I know I did. I crashed that wagon into the seawall and it took me days to recover, but when I did, guess what what sitting at my front door magically put back together. That fucking wagon.

I could carry on and on about things that pull my trigger. Fuck even writing a blog about triggers tickles it a little. I have come to realize that one of my triggers over the years has been when I choose to talk about it. I write everyday and generally am unpacking some long lost trauma and in that unpacking I uncover yet another trigger. That awareness has allowed me to recognize my triggers. To understand them. To know when they are present. How? By being present. By living in the moment. By embracing the gift of choice. To know when to ask for help. My triggers have helped me heal. Along with that persistent, resilient, bright, shiny, red fucking wagon, aka.. my inner being.

Blessing to you, your triggers and your wagon.

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